Soulscape journaling :: Directing the Happy

 

I notice that my mind like directs the happy when I ask to experience something joyful, in this case, “show me the truth in my heart.”

At first, there is part of me that gets excited and feels light. Then as I dutifully follow the energy flow of putting paint on paper, my inner critic joins the paint party– at first I don’t notice as the eyes appear in the paint, and I think, “Oh that’s my witness” then i think “oh no that’s my self- judgement”.

Layers upon layers of paint.

Touching my light-truth; then covering it all back up (unconsciously of course).

My inner critic is saying, “no way is this my truth, my gifts. COVER IT UP”.

Paint on. Paint off.

Then black shows up, and I feel that I have some space to breathe.

I think “Ohh no way the essence of my heart BLACK (judgment !#!), that must mean I am repressing myself

Yes, yes, that’s it!

Make it pretty, understandable, and happy!

The battle begins.

Truth vs. lies. Listening to my heart or letting my inner critic dominate the process.

Just as I feel the painting is complete, I get a burst of energy that compels me to add another layer of paint and to let the words flow across the page.

In this burst of energy uncensored by my mind is left behind and I am in the flow of my Body Wisdom, intuition and heart again. I pause, look at the words written in a frenzy of truth saying and I feel truth reverberate thrush my body. Right now, in this moment, I can own that “I am love.”

Afterward: After I clean up my brushes, I look at those words on the page, and I wonder, “Is this my feel good stopping place? Or am I am bullshitting myself?”

I don’t need to know the answer. All I can do right now is feel into love and bull shit —because they all reside inside me and my heart’s perfect wisdom says that’s just fine.

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